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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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