i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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