My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
