you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
