hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
