Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just found a bag of teeth...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
