I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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