My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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