Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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