if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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