I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
