Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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