kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
