I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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