Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
