Where is the hickey?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
