a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
