i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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