This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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