So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
