he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
