I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
