Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
