My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
