So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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