Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
