who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
