So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
