I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
