We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
