How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
