I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
