Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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