But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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