She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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