dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
