I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
