But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
