Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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