cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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