I must be too annoying 4 u.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
