I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
