I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I am naked and annoyed.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
