I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
