WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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