rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
