i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
