My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dicks are not precious.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
