We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
