so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
