it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
